New Years Eve 2012
It's been a long time since I've written anything. The things that used to move have been buried the last few years as the reality of life had temporarily stolen my dreams. Being laid off every February for five years in a row is challenging on so many different levels but slowly, the dark veil and clouds of winter lifted and all the colors and wonder of spring began to burst.
On top of that, I met an incredible man, who beyond his years, is the type of man I have been wanting to meet forever and even amidst obstacles, somehow, we met. It has been years since I let the fortress guard down and began to trust, to feel, to believe, to dream again, seeing the beauty in every moment, hanging on a thread to hear his voice, to say goodnight, to fantasize about being together until the last breath. He colors my world, inspires, empowers, motivates, accepts me in every way.
Forever the optimist, I find myself slipping from grace. The measurement I have of a man hails from my father, the epitome of a true Southern Gentleman. The integrity of men that I expect from his modeling has eluded me, the honesty of one's word has little meaning anymore, the influx of technology has poisoned the very foundation of chivalry, letting people look for the greener side of the grass even when they are on the most lushest of lawns.
Nothing is sacred anymore. Not a handshake. Not a kiss. Not someone's words amongst texts and other superficial means of communication. I feel sorry for the upcoming generation for their reliance on an illusion, so be it that they will ever know a solid foundation and what it's built on. I heard once that w stood for the letter 6 and that the "www" as in the world wide web was equivalent to "666". How many lives has it touched, lifted, informed and ultimately destroyed? Evil in it's most cunning disguise.
We've been dating seriously since May, today I found his profile on Plenty of Fish after a wrenching gut feeling to look after he had added a dozen new, single women my age to his Facebook profile. l am crushed, disenchanted, disappointed and broken all rolled up into one. Its inconsolable grief. The raw, vulnerable emotion that leaves a hole in your stomach, the sharp stabbing that cuts the heart like butter, the imagination spinning relentlessly, the random and endless river of tears and the physical, agonizing aching of knowing that this is the reality.
When confronted, he cried, he seems authentic in his guilt and says we can work through this. I love this man, so I will forgive and try to move on.
Through the last decade, humility, perseverance, faith, and hope have been my teachers. On one level, I'm devastated as I feel I have spent my life waiting, doing what is right, investing in "men " to offer me the same respect that I show, to lay down at night and know that the person beside me will never betray me because the love is unpenetratable even when there is opportunity knocking at the door, I want an everlasting love the same type as my parents had and so many of my friends have found even when it's not all peaches and cream. The conflict is part of the growth and appreciation of the other's attributes, idiosyncrasies, imperfections and acceptance is the part that keeps it growing.
My hope is that even if we may not be able to work through the deception that someday his soul will eventually be soothed by what he seeks on every level.
My dad passed away 20 years ago and I only have two items left that were his, one is a book that he gave me called Nearer to Thee with little poems he loved of inspiration through adversity. The other item he put in my car around the radio knob, it says "This world is NOT my home. I'm just passing thru. "Our citizenship is in Heaven and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ...." Phillipians 3:20
On top of that, I met an incredible man, who beyond his years, is the type of man I have been wanting to meet forever and even amidst obstacles, somehow, we met. It has been years since I let the fortress guard down and began to trust, to feel, to believe, to dream again, seeing the beauty in every moment, hanging on a thread to hear his voice, to say goodnight, to fantasize about being together until the last breath. He colors my world, inspires, empowers, motivates, accepts me in every way.
Forever the optimist, I find myself slipping from grace. The measurement I have of a man hails from my father, the epitome of a true Southern Gentleman. The integrity of men that I expect from his modeling has eluded me, the honesty of one's word has little meaning anymore, the influx of technology has poisoned the very foundation of chivalry, letting people look for the greener side of the grass even when they are on the most lushest of lawns.
Nothing is sacred anymore. Not a handshake. Not a kiss. Not someone's words amongst texts and other superficial means of communication. I feel sorry for the upcoming generation for their reliance on an illusion, so be it that they will ever know a solid foundation and what it's built on. I heard once that w stood for the letter 6 and that the "www" as in the world wide web was equivalent to "666". How many lives has it touched, lifted, informed and ultimately destroyed? Evil in it's most cunning disguise.
We've been dating seriously since May, today I found his profile on Plenty of Fish after a wrenching gut feeling to look after he had added a dozen new, single women my age to his Facebook profile. l am crushed, disenchanted, disappointed and broken all rolled up into one. Its inconsolable grief. The raw, vulnerable emotion that leaves a hole in your stomach, the sharp stabbing that cuts the heart like butter, the imagination spinning relentlessly, the random and endless river of tears and the physical, agonizing aching of knowing that this is the reality.
When confronted, he cried, he seems authentic in his guilt and says we can work through this. I love this man, so I will forgive and try to move on.
Through the last decade, humility, perseverance, faith, and hope have been my teachers. On one level, I'm devastated as I feel I have spent my life waiting, doing what is right, investing in "men " to offer me the same respect that I show, to lay down at night and know that the person beside me will never betray me because the love is unpenetratable even when there is opportunity knocking at the door, I want an everlasting love the same type as my parents had and so many of my friends have found even when it's not all peaches and cream. The conflict is part of the growth and appreciation of the other's attributes, idiosyncrasies, imperfections and acceptance is the part that keeps it growing.
My hope is that even if we may not be able to work through the deception that someday his soul will eventually be soothed by what he seeks on every level.
My dad passed away 20 years ago and I only have two items left that were his, one is a book that he gave me called Nearer to Thee with little poems he loved of inspiration through adversity. The other item he put in my car around the radio knob, it says "This world is NOT my home. I'm just passing thru. "Our citizenship is in Heaven and we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ...." Phillipians 3:20
