Unrestrained

FACES

The FACES Project is a collection of black and white photographs of survivors of Sexual Assault and/or Domestic Violence on display in downtown Fort Collins every April hosted by the Sexual Assault Victims Advocacy, SAVA. They asked if I would be willing to participate, initially, I declined not wanting my darkest secret on display for the world to see. At the last minute realizing how instrumental SAVA is in what they do to promote the strength of survivors of a silent crime, I agreed to do the photoshoot to help promote awareness that this can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime, in the blink of an eye regardless of how prepared you think you may be.

Assault has no biases, it's not limited to social class, occupation, sex, race, or religion. It crosses all boundaries. Rape is a violent crime that changes the path of the victim forever. When I inadvertently fell into law enforcement, I took a moral oath to protect women and children and others who could not protect themselves. To be a voice, when they had none. Yet even with all of the training under my belt, what happened on February 26th, 2014 in Pagosa Springs, spiraled my life into a place where I was blind in seeing the obvious. I understand now how it affected every choice I've made since that moment.

Healing begins only when we open up and recognize that even when we want to be strong, refusing to be a "victim" it will be vulnerability that restores our inner light. It's a challenging road, yet the enlightenment and freedom are worth it. You can force your mind to forget or overlook what happened, and you can force yourself to think that you are not affected, but ultimately you are only fooling yourself. Your body and psyche are etched. Adapt and overcome. 

Abuse in any form is a crime against the soul. I refuse to be defined by the selfish, hurtful acts of others. I am a survivor of a horrific crime and it has taught me so much. For that I am fortunate. I believe that every positive and negative experience in our life is somehow divinity for the purpose of growing and becoming more humane, compassionate, and understanding.  

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as a Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced or cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

Invictus

~William Ernest Henley

Washing my hands of the cruelty I was trained to recognize and became a survivor of.

**Deepest gratitude to the Fort Collins Police Department, UCHealth, SAVA, Dr. Mandel, and all the others who devote their lives to selflessly investing themselves to protect, serve, and healing the mind and soul from traumas that are unfathomable. 

Glass Houses

A wise mentor once said to me, "If you don't know your rights, you don't have any rights." That one statement has innately guided my adult life. I know my rights, and I'm not intimidated. Legal abuse is a form of control used by those who are manipulative, vindictive, and vengeful that leverage and utilize the law to violate Constitutional freedoms. It's disturbing that the liar creates a tornado of smoke and mirrors because of an inability to be accountable, reflective, and forthcoming. It is a privilege to post the factual truth. Justice is on the side of time.....check your watch.

Grief

Over the last few days, I've come to realize that most of the American culture doesn't have a clue about the emotional and mental process of grief or loss. Maybe in the past we embraced it, yet now we minimize the validity and diminish the process to a "bad week". The expectation of grief is for it to be temporary, when other people tell us to be over it, to react as they tell us to react, to function as if nothing happened....as if we hadn't lost a dream in one split moment.

Well, that is a far step from reality. Grief floods us from so many different situations - loss of career, physical injury, loss of health, death, divorce, disaster, trauma, and heartbreak. Although each one is clearly very different, at the end of the day, loss is loss, and the stages are the same though unique to every individual enduring it.

For those of us who have had our share of all the different types in this temporal lifetime, we recognize that we have to experience each stage in its raw individuality, and pray that others will be able to recognize the pain instead of us trying to explain it. There is no rushing the process. With that being said, I'm sharing two articles I came across this morning after searching for answers in regards to my own situation, I hope it will give some insight into someone else's world. Grief is all about moving through the stages. It's about feeling the totality of its impact. It's about tangible suffering, utter devastation, bewilderment, shock, emotional intensity, anger, rage, blaming, depression, sorrow, confusion, and all the inconsistent ups and downs of acceptance and denial intertwined into the same web. Part of the acceptance is that grief IS a roller coaster and the amount of time that one moves through it varies. A year is the standard worldwide culture for most losses, yet when it involves an intimate partner or heartbreak, doctors say to give yourself two full years, at least. The death of my intimate love, and my parents took more than three years. Time doesn't erase the heartbreak, it only lets you manage it. The death of a child....is forever.

These articles are a glimpse into a world few fully want to acknowledge or are comfortable with, to expect a different reaction than this or to condemn a person because of their intense erratic demeanor, is unrealistic. It will be tough, but a little grace and empathy and maybe even a joke or two to lighten the load, will go a long way for someone who can barely see straight.  I hope these articles help others as they have given me insight that I "knew" yet had brushed away in order to appear strong which in the end, backfired. In reality, the pain has been profoundly shattering and the emotions that have come with it have been all over the board.....up, down, happy, sad, completely unrecognizable to my friends, family, and even to me. My life is passionate,yet overall I'm always able to keep a level head, for some reason, not this time. This is foreign ground. So, if I seem a little off, or resemble Barbie on a Disneyland ride, please realize that this too shall pass.....in time....with a few hugs and laughs, it will be alright. My home is that this can bring some comfort along with cognizant understanding to those who are seeking it.

 The link to the first article below is specifically on relationship breakup: 

1)   http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm



2)  The 7 stages of grief:

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
   You will probably react to learning with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
2. PAIN & GUILT-
   As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.
   
   You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do, or things you said or wish you would have said. Life feels chaotic, confusing and scary during this phase.
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
   Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else, friends and or family. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.
   
   You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
   Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.
   
   During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did together, promises made that won't come true and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
   As you start to adjust to life without, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. You still don't trust your discernment or decision making abilities and wonder how something can still be affecting you so profoundly.
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
   As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions. You will start to work on practical things and begin reconstructing yourself and your life without the dreams that you had.
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
   During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy, in whatever form it may have come in. But you will find a way forward.
   
   You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your loss without the soulful pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.
   
   
   

Is This You....

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life's betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me 

is true.

I want to know if you can 

disappoint another 

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life 

from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

"Yes."

It doesn't interest me

to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone 

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep

in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I Am, I Said

There is a global communal shift taking place….a conscious awareness towards love and spirituality that is more prevalent than it has ever been. Even admist the economic turmoil, the constant conflict of war, the subliminal seduction of fear induced media, the distraction of technology, the plague of independence, success and wealth……beyond that…..there is an overall feeling that our world is moving towards a place of love, a place of community,  a place of well-being. It is all from the Divine Spirit, regardless of the label you may choose to give It, I say it is Heavenly Father, to others it has many names. Religion is only a vehicle to the true essence of the Divine, regardless of how one may associate and recognize It.

         The majority of us go through life pleasing others…our parents, an idea of what we had about ourselves, an idea of what society had about us. We are emotionally, mentally, unconsciously bound to that expectation….…so much so that we rarely ever sit back and genuinely explore who we really are and what we genuinely want….what our spirit calls to us to fulfill. Usually, it’s not until life's experiences set in and we have had enough..... aka “mid-life crisis”. It’s a wakeup call to live authentically. And the earlier in life you become aware of it, the better. The best way to change the conciousness of others is by your example. It begins with you. Everything. All things.

Growing up in Alaska where strong women were revered, sought after, empowered it was culture shock moving to the Lower 48’s. It took me at least a decade and a half to understand how the culture down here really worked and it was like stepping back in time 40 years to the Stepford Wives. Suppressed. Especially in the career and dating arena.  In general, men down here are threatened by a woman who knows who she is even though they may verbalize the opposite. In my experience as a woman in her twenties, thirties and forties having a career in restaurant, golf, finance, mortgages and law enforcement(which was the only exception because they were ALL protective), believe me, I have seen the entire realm professionally and personally.
 It wasn’t until moving to the United States (Alaska and Hawaii are only annexes of the United States and actually are governed under International Law) that I felt the full impact of being a woman. I began to second guess everything about me and tried to conform to other's belief systems. My self-esteem unknowingly plummeted and the standard I had held for myself did as well. If there is one thing I can offer to anyone, it is the empowerment of being authentic, genuine and true to yourself.  One of my most favorite songs in the world is by Neil Diamond….it’s “I Am, I Said”…it resonates deeply with me…saying…” LOOK at me….I AM! I AM someone, I feel, I laugh, I cry, I hope, I dream, I am a child of God...just like you,  I live..…..SEE me for who I am and not what everyone wants me to be”. Live your life authentically, without fear of repercussion, be true to yourself, always, no matter what the consequences because you will be leading the way and HE will make THE way. By doing this, we WILL change the world. :)

~With that I offer you the following~

I Am~

Unique
Worthy

Grateful

Blessed
Direct

Worthy

Loved

Precious

Gifted

Passionate

Thankful

Empathetic
Goofy

Beautiful
Contemplative

Valuable
Forgiving

Worthwhile

Fortunate

Happy

Vulnerable

Gullible
Anxious

Trusting
Witty

Faithful

Hopeful
Alone

Idealistic

Romantic

Genuine

Authentic

Compassionate

Fulfilled
Independent
Dependent
Open

Satisfied
Clumsy

Gracious

Content

Spiritual

Aware

Self-conscious
Depressed

Reflecting

Emotional
Uncoordinated
Giving

Creative
Fearful

Resourceful
Charitable

Inventive

Imaginative

Loving

Devoted

Loyal

Warm

Reminiscent
Magical

Soulful
Scared
Sentimental

Dreamer
Optimistic
Warrior

I AM……..YOU are……a child of God

be proud of Who you are and live your Highest Truth

Divinity

     

The following is a passage from one of my ultimate favorite books, Conversations With God; Book 2, by Neal Donald Walsch. He is a writer led by the Divine. 

"Be a light unto the world, and hurt it not. Seek to build, not to destroy.
Bring My people home to Me.

By your shining example. 
Seek only Godliness.

Speak only in truthfulness. 
Act only in love.

Live the Law of Love now and    forevermore. 
Give everything, require nothing.

Avoid the mundane.

Do not accept the unacceptable. 

Teach all who seek to learn of Me.

Make every moment of your life an  outpouring of love. 

  Use every moment to think the highest thought, say the highest word, do the highest deed.
 In this, glorify your Holy Self, and thus, too, glorify Me.

Bring peace to the Earth by bringing peace to all those whose lives you touch. 
BE peace.

Feel and express in every moment your Divine Connection with the All, and with every    person, place and thing. 
Embrace every circumstance, own every fault, share every joy, contemplate every mystery, walk in every man's shoes, forgive every offense (including your own), heal every heart, honor every person's truth, adore every person's God, protect every person's rights, preserve every person's dignity, promote every person's blessing, and pronounce every person's future secure in the assured love of God.

Be a living, breathing example of the Highest Truth that resides within you. 

     Speak humbly of yourself, lest someone mistake your Highest Truth for a boast.

     Speak softly, lest someone think you are merely calling for attention. 

     Speak gently, that all might know of Love.

     Speak openly, lest anyone think you have something to hide. 

     Speak candidly, so you cannot be mistaken. 

     Speak often, so that your word may truly go forth.

     Speak respectfully, that no one be dishonored. 

     Speak lovingly, that every syllable may                                                                                           heal. 

                                                                                     Speak of Me with every utterance.

Never offer the kind of help that disempowers.

Never insist on offering the help that you think is needed. Let the person or people in need  know all that you have to give~then listen to what they want; see what they are ready to  receive. 

Make of your life a gift. 
Remember always, you are the gift! Be a gift to everyone who enters your life, and to everyone whose life you enter. Be careful not to enter another's life if you cannot be a gift. Leaving them alone might be the Highest Gift you can offer them. (You can always be a gift, because you always are the gift-yet sometimes you don't let yourself know that.)

     When someone enters your life unexpectedly, 

look for the gift that person has come to receive from you.

Why else do you think a person would come to you?

     

I tell you this: 
Every person who has ever come to you has come to receive a gift from you. In so doing, he gives a gift to you-the gift of experiencing and fulfilling Who You Are. 

When you see this simple truth, when you understand it, you see the greatest truth of all:

THAT I HAVE SENT YOU

NOTHING BUT ANGELS."

Conversations With God~Book 2

Rainbow Healing Prayer

Rainbow, rainbow full of light

Take this healing into flight

Colors of the universe strong and true

Take this scroll of names unto You

Carry this healing near and far

We send out into mother earth’s core

Filling her with love and healing light

Up through the soil this rainbow of  light shines

Healing and love and all things divine

Take our scroll with names of love

And bring Your healing from above

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now we take our scroll with golden names

For all to receive Your healing and  grace

We place this scroll within the rainbow

And as we stand beside and watch

Our scroll drifts upwards within Your  glow

Out to its destinations it goes

With the blessings of the universe

Taking them Home

Ashes

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Finally I came to the end of myself,

And coming to the end of me, 

Was the best thing that could have happened, 

Because then I looked to Him and I said,

Lord, I have nothing left to offer

But the ashes of my life

~Patsy Clairmont

Truth

"There is no weapon more powerful in achieving truth than acceptance of yourself"

~Swami Prajnanpad

He Came To Meet Me

He came to meet me

On some July morning

He said he missed me

He came without warning

We walked for half a day

Got lost in my neighborhood

Came back another way

Just like I knew we would

And he came to meet me

He had some stories

He knew a few of mine

I had not heard his voice

For such a long time

My mind would race a bit

Come back to where we stood

I could not keep hold of it

Although I knew I should

And he came to meet me

I'd seen this whole day

Like it was drawing near

Sometimes I'd pray for it

Sometimes I'd shake with fear

Sometimes the only thought

That kept me in the night
Was one that I'd forgot
In summer's blinding light

And he came to meet me

I wrote myself a song

I could not speak what I'd done

He could've been here all along

He could've been anyone

But there is no one who

Could wake my heart like this

Could break my world in two

I felt a suddenness, I felt a suddenness

The day fell completely still

The dream was a lot like this

But I never knew until

He came to meet me

My sweet Simon