Is This You....

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.

I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool

for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...

I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened by life's betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me 

is true.

I want to know if you can 

disappoint another 

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life 

from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure

yours and mine

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

"Yes."

It doesn't interest me

to know where you live or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone 

with yourself

and if you truly like the company you keep

in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Instincts

When I was a little girl my parents always told me to trust my instincts. And I did. They were always right, even when I didn't want them to be. When I grew up and entered the Police Academy, the forty year old detectives said to always trust my gut. And I did. And it was always right. Life has taught me never to trust my perception and thoughts alone, not what I see, not what I hear, not what I smell, not what I taste, not authority, not society, and definitely not my limited and fallible perceptions. I follow my heart, and sometimes when everything else is perfect, there is a gnawing in my tummy that says its an illusion. The times I have failed to listen to this small feeling are the only times that I regret the decisions I have made...because I knew they were the wrong ones even though it all looked like a perfectly wrapped Christmas present from the outside.

     How is it possible to trust in this day of technology, and age of distraction? An age of the grass is always greener and the internet gives us the freedom of instant connection where commitment seems to be a thing of the past.
     Sometimes, I wish I was ignorant,   life would be simple. Part of me blames him for lying when the truth is so much easier. The other part blames myself for always hoping, believing and looking for the best in someone and ignoring all the red flags and the willy feeling in the gut when things didn't make sense and then going back to him even when I instinctively knew better.

I didn't put enough sunscreen on because I got burned. Along with so many other women. Yet, it was nothing compared to the scorching burn I got this week. I'm numb, shocked, devastated to realize it was all a lie. Three and a half years of twisted stories from someone I thought I knew so well. I feel sick, broken, my mind is paralyzed. For the false dreams that he led me to believe. For the man I thought I knew...... his darkest secrets and highest dreams but it turns out that I didn't know him at all.  The chocolate, velvety southern voice that soothed my soul is the same one that slandered and demeaned me behind my back.The touch that melted my heart, that will never brush my skin again because unbeknownst to me, it was touching a myriad of other women's skin. All done intentionally, maliciously, with purpose, motive and hiding behind God's word. Yet, the ultimate betrayal is to himself. Rejection is God's protection yet making sense of this tangled web of deception it will take time.

    We all are lost in some way, we all have our own demons to face, the secrets that we carry deep inside. Our most trusted friends are the ones that can navigate it with us so that we may take a harder look at ourselves in order to spiritually grow and broaden our awareness. Until Jacob takes honest accountability for his actions without justifying, blaming, slandering others and acknowledges the way he has misled, deceived, dismissed, minimized his actions and intentionally manipulated and hurt so many of us, his peace will elude him and his anxiety and exhaustion will be never ending. He claims remorse but that's also a lie because real remorse requires spitting out the truth consistently and giving the betrayed peace of mind even when it seems pointless.  Integrity and moral character are at stake, no matter how difficult it may be, he needs to tell the truth on all of it, and set himself free. Apologies are empty words without action and acknowledgement. I pray for his enlightenment and the rocky road to humility.
As for the rest of us, we all were an active and willing participant, even when we knew better, so the real lesson in this is for us. For a narcissist like him, his guilt is all but brief as he purposefully plays people against each other, feeding on the nurturing, empathetic sweet souls that he attracts by victimizing himself to them. There is no coming to conciousness without pain. Personal and spiritual growth will always create havoc, so remember that the journey is worth every tear, every smile, every heartbreak, every goal. All of us our on our own path and every single person, circumstance has the opportunity to broaden our world. For everything there is a reason and a season.

Update 2/2015: Because of his ongoing instigation and twisted deceptions I feel compelled to post this to any woman who has been adversely affected by him. All the "I'm sorry's", all the 'I love you's", all the "I've changed's", all the "I'm not doing anything new's" all the "She knows we talk, and she doesn't care's", all the "You're the only one I still have in my life's", all the ,"Please, don't abandon me, no one understands me like you do's", that I received until I ended it in the middle of December 2014 are nothing but a smoke screen. He is a narcissist and he will not change.  I sent an email to his newest conquest letting her know that he had been lying to her about having contact with me and several other women in which he constantly pursued. He wants to put it in the past, move on and not deal with the consequences of his actions yet he still initiates the drama with his vast extent of lies and is incapable of being honest to her or any of us. Does he not understand that we have all the years worth of texts, emails, screenshots, Facebook messages and can obtain a court ordered subpoena for our phone records to show the opposite is actually true? I'll call his egotistical bluff, file a suit against me, us, I look forward to it so bring it on!

A Father's Love Letter

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you. 
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

Love

New Years Eve 2012

It's been a while since I've written. Life kind of got put on hold the last few years as the real estate crash of 2007-2008 extended its tidal wave into every tentacle of our lives with its stolen dreams.  Yet nothing in life stays as t is and slowly, the dark veil and clouds of winter lifted and all the colors and wonder of spring began to burst. 
On top of that, I met a  man, who beyond his years, is the type of man I have been wanting to meet forever and even amidst obstacles, somehow, we met. It has been years since I let the fortress guard down and began to trust, to feel, to believe, to dream again, seeing the beauty in every moment, hanging on a thread to hear his voice, to say goodnight, to fantasize about being together until the last breath. He colors my world,  inspires, empowers, motivates, accepts me in every way.
Forever the optimist, I find myself slipping from grace. The measurement I have of a man hails from my father, the epitome of a true Southern Gentleman. The integrity of men that I expect in ar relatonshiop is from his modeling has and is rare, the honesty of one's word has little meaning anymore, the influx of technology has poisoned the very foundation of chivalry, letting people look for the greener side of the grass even when they are on the most lushest of lawns. 
Nothing is sacred anymore. Not a handshake. Not a kiss. Not someone's words amongst texts and other superficial means of communication. I feel sorry for the upcoming generation for their reliance on an illusion, so be it that they will ever know a solid foundation and what it's built on. I heard once that the letter 'w' stood for the number 6 and that the "www" as in the world wide web was equivalent to "666". How many lives has it touched, lifted, informed and ultimately destroyed? Evil in it's most cunning disguise?
We've been dating exclusively for years, today I found his profile on Plenty of Fish after a wrenching gut feeling to look up after he had added a dozen new, single women my age to his Facebook profile. I am crushed, disenchanted, disappointed and broken all rolled up into one. Its inconsolable grief.  The raw, vulnerable emotion that leaves a hole in your stomach, the sharp stabbing that cuts the heart like butter, the imagination spinning relentlessly, the random and endless river of tears knowing that this is the reality. 
When confronted, he cried, he seems authentic in his guilt so I will forgive and try to move on. 
Through the last decade, humility, perseverance, faith, and hope have been my teachers. On one level, I'm devastated as I feel I have spent my life waiting, doing what is right, investing in "men " to offer me the same respect that I show, to lay down at night and know that the person beside me will never betray me because the love is unpenetratable even when there is opportunity knocking at the door,  I want an everlasting love the same type as my parents had and so many of my friends have found even when it's not all peaches and cream. The conflict is part of the growth and appreciation of the other's attributes, idiosyncrasies, imperfections and acceptance is the part that keeps it growing.
My dad passed away 20 years ago and I only have two items left that were his, one is a book that he gave me called Nearer to Thee with little poems he loved of inspiration through adversity. The other item he put in my car around the radio knob, it says "This world is NOT my home. I'm just passing thru.

Rain

Aug 5, 2007
Current mood:lonely

Rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lEpask13MM&feature=related ~ "Stay Now" Jem

 I woke up tonight to the rolling thunder of a summer storm as the breeze caresses through my skin and the pounding of the rain beats to my heart, my eyes breathe in the lights of the town and my senses awaken with the freshness of what the rain washed away. It's like a shower. It's cleansing. I never really enjoyed the rain for the endless years that I lived in the dark, dreary, rainy state of Washington. Not here. I cherish it. I inhale the symbolization of it along with the power. I crawl to the fur rug laying in front of the fireplace in my bedroom and instead of closing the windows, I open them, I lay down in the middle of the floor and watch the light dance across the dark skies feeling the wet mist sprinkle across my face. My mind drifts back timelessly, where one rainy fall night transformed love into a fairy tale. Closing my eyes,  I try so hard to control the memories smothered in him. Through the thunder, I feel the passion of his lips. Through the lightening, I see the flash of his eyes. Through the wind, I smell his tenderness. Through the coolness, I feel the heat of his heart. I squeeze my pillow and pray to God to smother the stabbing ache in my tummy , I pray that the rain will wash it all away. I pray that his world is everlasting and beautiful . I wonder if my image infects his dreams. I hear rain come down, I let the rain come down............And......... I wonder if I have any gummy bears hidden in the cupboard downstairs.....