Over the last few days, I've come to realize that most of the American culture doesn't have a clue about the emotional and mental process of grief or loss. We used too, yet now we minimize it, expect it to be over when other people tell us to be over it, to react as they tell us to react, to function as if nothing if we hadn't lost a dream in one split moment. Well, that is a far step from reality. Grief floods us from so many different situations, loss of career, physical injury, loss of health, death, divorce, disaster, trauma, and heartbreak and even though each one is clearly very different, at the end of the day, loss is loss and the stages are the same though unique to every individual enduring it.

For those of us who have had our share of all the different types in our lifetime, we recognize that we have to experience each stage in its raw individuality and pray that others will be able to recognize the pain instead of us trying to explain it, there is no rushing the process. With that being said, I'm sharing two articles I came across this morning after searching for answers in regards to my own situation, I hope it will give some insight to someone else's world. Grief is all about moving through the stages. About feeling the totality of its impact. It's about utter devastation, bewilderment, shock, emotional intensity, depression, sorrow, confusion, and all the inconsistent ups and downs of acceptance and denial intertwined into the same web. Part of the acceptance is that grief IS a roller coaster and the amount of time that one moves through it varies. A year is the standard worldwide culture for most losses, yet when it involves an intimate partner or heartbreak, doctors say to give yourself two full years, at least. The death of my intimate love took more than three years and time doesn't erase the heartbreak it only lets you manage it.

These articles are a glimpse into a world few fully want to acknowledge or are comfortable with, to expect a different reaction than this or to condemn a person because of their intense erratic demeanor, is unrealistic. It will be tough, but a little grace and empathy and maybe even a joke or two to lighten the load, will go a long way for someone who can barely see straight.  I hope these articles help others as they have given me insight that I "knew" yet had brushed away in order to appear strong which in the end, backfired. In reality, the pain has been profoundly shattering and the emotions that have come with it have been all over the board.....up, down, happy, sad, completely unrecognizable to my friends, family, and even to me. My life is passionate but overall I'm always able to keep a level head, for some reason, not this time. This is foreign ground. So, if I seem a little off or resemble Barbie on an emotional roller coaster ride, please realize that this too shall time....and with a few hugs and laughs. The link to the first article below is specifically on relationship breakup: 


2)  The 7 stages of grief:
    You will probably react to learning with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
  2. PAIN & GUILT-
    As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

    You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do, or things you said or wish you would have said. Life feels chaotic, confusing and scary during this phase.
    Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else, friends and or family. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

    You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
    Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

    During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did together, promises made that won't come true and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
    As you start to adjust to life without, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. You still don't trust your discernment or decision making abilities and wonder how something can still be affecting you so profoundly.
    As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions. You will start to work on practical things and begin reconstructing yourself and your life without the dreams that you had.
    During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy, in whatever form it may have come in. But you will find a way forward.

    You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your loss without the soulful pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.

Is This You....

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me 
is true.
I want to know if you can 
disappoint another 
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life 
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

I Am, I Said

There is a global communal shift taking place….a conscious awareness towards love and spirituality that is more prevalent than it has ever been. Even admist the economic turmoil, the constant conflict of war, the subliminal seduction of fear induced media, the distraction of technology, the plague of independence, success and wealth……beyond that…..there is an overall feeling that our world is moving towards a place of love, a place of community,  a place of well-being. It is all from the Divine Spirit, regardless of the label you may choose to give It, I say it is Heavenly Father, to others it has many names. Religion is only a vehicle to the true essence of the Divine, regardless of how one may associate and recognize It.

         The majority of us go through life pleasing others…our parents, an idea of what we had about ourselves, an idea of what society had about us. We are emotionally, mentally, unconsciously bound to that expectation….…so much so that we rarely ever sit back and genuinely explore who we really are and what we genuinely want….what our spirit calls to us to fulfill. Usually, it’s not until life's experiences set in and we have had enough..... aka “mid-life crisis”. It’s a wakeup call to live authentically. And the earlier in life you become aware of it, the better. The best way to change the conciousness of others is by your example. It begins with you. Everything. All things.

Growing up in Alaska where strong women were revered, sought after, empowered it was culture shock moving to the Lower 48’s. It took me at least a decade and a half to understand how the culture down here really worked and it was like stepping back in time 40 years to the Stepford Wives. Suppressed. Especially in the career and dating arena.  In general, men down here are threatened by a woman who knows who she is even though they may verbalize the opposite. In my experience as a woman in her twenties, thirties and forties having a career in restaurant, golf, finance, mortgages and law enforcement(which was the only exception because they were ALL protective), believe me, I have seen the entire realm professionally and personally.
 It wasn’t until moving to the United States (Alaska and Hawaii are only annexes of the United States and actually are governed under International Law) that I felt the full impact of being a woman. I began to second guess everything about me and tried to conform to other's belief systems. My self-esteem unknowingly plummeted and the standard I had held for myself did as well. If there is one thing I can offer to anyone, it is the empowerment of being authentic, genuine and true to yourself.  One of my most favorite songs in the world is by Neil Diamond….it’s “I Am, I Said”…it resonates deeply with me…saying…” LOOK at me….I AM! I AM someone, I feel, I laugh, I cry, I hope, I dream, I am a child of God...just like you,  I live..…..SEE me for who I am and not what everyone wants me to be”. Live your life authentically, without fear of repercussion, be true to yourself, always, no matter what the consequences because you will be leading the way and HE will make THE way. By doing this, we WILL change the world. :)

~With that I offer you the following~

I Am~


I AM……..YOU are……a child of God
be proud of Who you are and live your Highest Truth

Rainbow Healing Prayer

Rainbow, rainbow full of light
Take this healing into flight
Colors of the universe strong and true
Take this scroll of names unto You
Carry this healing near and far
We send out into mother earth’s core
Filling her with love and healing light
Up through the soil this rainbow of  light shines
Healing and love and all things divine
Take our scroll with names of love
And bring Your healing from above

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now we take our scroll with golden names
For all to receive Your healing and  grace

We place this scroll within the rainbow
And as we stand beside and watch
Our scroll drifts upwards within Your  glow
Out to its destinations it goes
With the blessings of the universe
Taking them Home


2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Finally I came to the end of myself,
And coming to the end of me, 
Was the best thing that could have happened, 
Because then I looked to Him and I said,

Lord, I have nothing left to offer
But the ashes of my life

~Patsy Clairmont


"There is no weapon more powerful in achieving truth than acceptance of yourself"
~Swami Prajnanpad

He Came To Meet Me

He came to meet me

On some July morning

He said he missed me

He came without warning

We walked for half a day
Got lost in my neighborhood

Came back another way

Just like I knew we would

And he came to meet me

He had some stories

He knew a few of mine

I had not heard his voice

For such a long time

My mind would race a bit
Come back to where we stood
I could not keep hold of it
Although I knew I should

And he came to meet me

I'd seen this whole day

Like it was drawing near

Sometimes I'd pray for it

Sometimes I'd shake with fear

Sometimes the only thought

That kept me in the night
Was one that I'd forgot
In summer's blinding light

And he came to meet me

I wrote myself a song
I could not speak what I'd done

He could've been here all along

He could've been anyone

But there is no one who

Could wake my heart like this

Could break my world in two

I felt a suddenness, I felt a suddenness

The day fell completely still

The dream was a lot like this

But I never knew until

He came to meet me

My sweet Simon


There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. ~ Carl Jung

 It is only with great courage and by complete and absolute surrender in moving through it do we allow God's full grace to appear.