Grief

Over the last few days, I've come to realize that most of the American culture doesn't have a clue about the emotional and mental process of grief or loss. We used too, yet now we minimize it, expect it to be over when other people tell us to be over it, to react as they tell us to react, to function as if nothing happened....as if we hadn't lost a dream in one split moment. Well, that is a far step from reality. Grief floods us from so many different situations, loss of career, physical injury, loss of health, death, divorce, disaster, trauma, and heartbreak and even though each one is clearly very different, at the end of the day, loss is loss and the stages are the same though unique to every individual enduring it.

For those of us who have had our share of all the different types in our lifetime, we recognize that we have to experience each stage in its raw individuality and pray that others will be able to recognize the pain instead of us trying to explain it, there is no rushing the process. With that being said, I'm sharing two articles I came across this morning after searching for answers in regards to my own situation, I hope it will give some insight to someone else's world. Grief is all about moving through the stages. About feeling the totality of its impact. It's about utter devastation, bewilderment, shock, emotional intensity, depression, sorrow, confusion, and all the inconsistent ups and downs of acceptance and denial intertwined into the same web. Part of the acceptance is that grief IS a roller coaster and the amount of time that one moves through it varies. A year is the standard worldwide culture for most losses, yet when it involves an intimate partner or heartbreak, doctors say to give yourself two full years, at least. The death of my intimate love took more than three years and time doesn't erase the heartbreak it only lets you manage it.

These articles are a glimpse into a world few fully want to acknowledge or are comfortable with, to expect a different reaction than this or to condemn a person because of their intense erratic demeanor, is unrealistic. It will be tough, but a little grace and empathy and maybe even a joke or two to lighten the load, will go a long way for someone who can barely see straight.  I hope these articles help others as they have given me insight that I "knew" yet had brushed away in order to appear strong which in the end, backfired. In reality, the pain has been profoundly shattering and the emotions that have come with it have been all over the board.....up, down, happy, sad, completely unrecognizable to my friends, family, and even to me. My life is passionate but overall I'm always able to keep a level head, for some reason, not this time. This is foreign ground. So, if I seem a little off or resemble Barbie on an emotional roller coaster ride, please realize that this too shall pass.....in time....and with a few hugs and laughs. The link to the first article below is specifically on relationship breakup: 

1)   http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm



2)  The 7 stages of grief:
  1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
    You will probably react to learning with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.
  2. PAIN & GUILT-
    As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

    You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do, or things you said or wish you would have said. Life feels chaotic, confusing and scary during this phase.
  3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
    Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame on someone else, friends and or family. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

    You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")
  4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
    Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

    During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did together, promises made that won't come true and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.
  5. THE UPWARD TURN-
    As you start to adjust to life without, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. You still don't trust your discernment or decision making abilities and wonder how something can still be affecting you so profoundly.
  6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
    As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions. You will start to work on practical things and begin reconstructing yourself and your life without the dreams that you had.
  7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
    During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy, in whatever form it may have come in. But you will find a way forward.

    You will start to look forward and actually plan things for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your loss without the soulful pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.


Is This You....




The Invitation


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.

I want to know what you ache for

and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.




It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me 
is true.
I want to know if you can 
disappoint another 
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life 
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Kisses

Never, ever, ever take a moment for granted. The last thing your mind or heart could ever grasp is that the melting goodbye kiss you give to your love, would be your last one. Cherish the now, for it may never be again. My sweet, sweet Simon........God be with you until we meet again.



I Am, I Said

It feels like there is a global communal shift taking place….a conscious awareness towards love and spirituality that is more prevalent than it has ever been. Even admist the economic turmoil, the constant conflict of war, the subliminal seduction of fear induced media, the distraction of technology, the plague of independence, success and wealth……beyond that…..there is an overall feeling that our world is moving towards a place of love, a place of community,  a place of well-being. It is all from the Divine Spirit, regardless of the label you may choose to give It, I say it is Heavenly Father, to others it has many names. Religion is only a vehicle to the true essence of the Divine, regardless of how one may associate and recognize It.

         The majority of us go through life pleasing others…our parents, an idea of what we had about ourselves, an idea of what society had about us. We are emotionally, mentally, unconsciously bound to that expectation….…so much so that we rarely ever sit back and genuinely explore who we really are and what we genuinely want….what our spirit calls to us to fulfill. Usually, it’s not until life's experiences set in and we have had enough..... aka “mid-life crisis”. It’s a wakeup call to live authentically. And the earlier in life you become aware of it, the better. The best way to change the conciousness of others is by your example. It begins with you. Everything. All things.

Growing up in Alaska where strong women were revered, sought after, empowered it was culture shock moving to the Lower 48’s. It took me at least a decade and a half to understand how the culture down here really worked and it was like stepping back in time 40 years to the Stepford Wives. Suppressed. Especially in the career and dating arena.  In general, men down here are threatened by a woman who knows who she is even though they may verbalize the opposite. In my experience as a woman in her twenties, thirties and forties having a career in restaurant, golf, finance, mortgages and law enforcement(which was the only exception because they were ALL protective), believe me, I have seen the entire realm professionally and personally.
 It wasn’t until moving to the United States (Alaska and Hawaii are only annexes of the United States and actually are governed under International Law) that I felt the full impact of being a woman. I began to second guess everything about me and tried to conform to other's belief systems. My self-esteem unknowingly plummeted and the standard I had held for myself did as well. If there is one thing I can offer to anyone, it is the empowerment of being authentic, genuine and true to yourself.  One of my most favorite songs in the world is by Neil Diamond….it’s “I Am, I Said”…it resonates deeply with me…saying…” LOOK at me….I AM! I AM someone, I feel, I laugh, I cry, I hope, I dream, I am a child of God...just like you,  I live..…..SEE me for who I am and not what everyone wants me to be”. Live your life authentically, without fear of repercussion, be true to yourself, always, no matter what the consequences because you will be leading the way and HE will make THE way. By doing this, we WILL change the world. :)

~With that I offer you the following~

I Am~


Unique
Worthy
Grateful
Blessed
Direct
Worthy
Loved
Precious
Gifted
Passionate
Thankful
Empathetic
Goofy
Beautiful
Contemplative
Valuable
Forgiving
Worthwhile
Fortunate
Happy
Vulnerable
Gullible
Anxious
Trusting
Witty
Faithful
Hopeful
Alone
Idealistic
Romantic
Genuine
Authentic
Compassionate
Fulfilled
Independent
Dependent
Open
Satisfied
Clumsy
Gracious
Content
Spiritual
Aware
Self-conscious
Depressed
Reflecting
Emotional
Uncoordinated
Giving
Creative
Fearful
Resourceful
Charitable
Inventive
Imaginative
Loving
Devoted
Loyal
Warm
Reminiscent
Magical
Soulful
Scared
Sentimental
Dreamer
Optimistic
Warrior






I AM……..YOU are……a child of God
be proud of Who you are and live your Highest Truth

Divinity

     
The following is a passage from one of my ultimate favorite books, Conversations With God; Book 2, by Neal Donald Walsch. He is a writer led by the Divine. 


"Be a light unto the world, and hurt it not. Seek to build, not to destroy.
Bring My people home to Me.
By your shining example. 
Seek only Godliness.
Speak only in truthfulness. 
Act only in love.
Live the Law of Love now and    forevermore. 
Give everything, require nothing.
Avoid the mundane.
Do not accept the unacceptable. 
Teach all who seek to learn of Me.
Make every moment of your life an  outpouring of love. 


  Use every moment to think the highest thought, say the highest word, do the highest deed.
 In this, glorify your Holy Self, and thus, too, glorify Me.


Bring peace to the Earth by bringing peace to all those whose lives you touch. 
BE peace.
Feel and express in every moment your Divine Connection with the All, and with every    person, place and thing. 
Embrace every circumstance, own every fault, share every joy, contemplate every mystery, walk in every man's shoes, forgive every offense (including your own), heal every heart, honor every person's truth, adore every person's God, protect every person's rights, preserve every person's dignity, promote every person's blessing, and pronounce every person's future secure in the assured love of God.
Be a living, breathing example of the Highest Truth that resides within you. 


     Speak humbly of yourself, lest someone mistake your Highest Truth for a boast.
     Speak softly, lest someone think you are merely calling for attention. 
     Speak gently, that all might know of Love.
     Speak openly, lest anyone think you have something to hide. 
     Speak candidly, so you cannot be mistaken. 
     Speak often, so that your word may truly go forth.
     Speak respectfully, that no one be dishonored. 
     Speak lovingly, that every syllable may                                                                                           heal. 
                                                                                     Speak of Me with every utterance.


Never offer the kind of help that disempowers.
Never insist on offering the help that you think is needed. Let the person or people in need  know all that you have to give~then listen to what they want; see what they are ready to  receive. 
Make of your life a gift. 
Remember always, you are the gift! Be a gift to everyone who enters your life, and to everyone whose life you enter. Be careful not to enter another's life if you cannot be a gift. Leaving them alone might be the Highest Gift you can offer them. (You can always be a gift, because you always are the gift-yet sometimes you don't let yourself know that.)

     When someone enters your life unexpectedly, 
look for the gift that person has come to receive from you.


Why else do you think a person would come to you?

     

I tell you this: 
Every person who has ever come to you has come to receive a gift from you. In so doing, he gives a gift to you-the gift of experiencing and fulfilling Who You Are. 

When you see this simple truth, when you understand it, you see the greatest truth of all:

THAT I HAVE SENT YOU
NOTHING BUT ANGELS."

Conversations With God~Book 2

Rainbow Healing Prayer




Rainbow, rainbow full of light
Take this healing into flight
Colors of the universe strong and true
Take this scroll of names unto You
Carry this healing near and far
We send out into mother earth’s core
Filling her with love and healing light
Up through the soil this rainbow of  light shines
Healing and love and all things divine
Take our scroll with names of love
And bring Your healing from above

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now we take our scroll with golden names
For all to receive Your healing and  grace

We place this scroll within the rainbow
And as we stand beside and watch
Our scroll drifts upwards within Your  glow
Out to its destinations it goes
With the blessings of the universe
Taking them Home








Ashes

2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.



Finally I came to the end of myself,
And coming to the end of me, 
Was the best thing that could have happened, 
Because then I looked to Him and I said,

Lord, I have nothing left to offer
But the ashes of my life

~Patsy Clairmont


Truth

"There is no weapon more powerful in achieving truth than acceptance of yourself"
~Swami Prajnanpad

He Came To Meet Me



He came to meet me

On some July morning

He said he missed me


He came without warning




We walked for half a day
Got lost in my neighborhood

Came back another way

Just like I knew we would


And he came to meet me

He had some stories

He knew a few of mine

I had not heard his voice

For such a long time

My mind would race a bit
Come back to where we stood
I could not keep hold of it
Although I knew I should







And he came to meet me

I'd seen this whole day

Like it was drawing near

Sometimes I'd pray for it

Sometimes I'd shake with fear

Sometimes the only thought

That kept me in the night
Was one that I'd forgot
In summer's blinding light





And he came to meet me

I wrote myself a song
I could not speak what I'd done

He could've been here all along

He could've been anyone

But there is no one who

Could wake my heart like this

Could break my world in two








I felt a suddenness, I felt a suddenness

The day fell completely still

The dream was a lot like this

But I never knew until

He came to meet me





My sweet Simon

Grace



There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. ~ Carl Jung

 It is only with great courage and by complete and absolute surrender in moving through it do we allow God's full grace to appear.



Instincts




When I was a little girl my parents always told me to trust my instincts. And I did. They were always right, even when I didn't want them to be. When I grew up and entered the Police Academy, the forty year old detectives said to always trust my gut. And I did. And it was always right. Life has taught me never to trust my perception and thoughts alone, not what I see, not what I hear, not what I smell, not what I taste, not authority, not society and definitely not my limited and fallible perceptions. I follow my heart and a lot of the times when everything else is perfect, there is a gnawing in my tummy that says its an illusion. The times I have failed to listen to this small feeling are the only times that I regret the decisions I have made...because I knew they were the wrong ones even though it all looked like a perfectly wrapped Christmas present from the outside.

     How is it possible to trust in this day of technology, and age of distraction? An age of the grass is always greener and the internet gives us the freedom of instant connection where commitment seems to be a thing of the past.
     Sometimes, I wish I was ignorant,   life would be simple. Part of me blames him for lying when the truth is so much easier. The other part blames myself for always hoping, believing and looking for the best in someone and ignoring all the red flags and the willy feeling in the gut when things didn't make sense and then going back to him even when I instinctively knew better.

I didn't put enough sunscreen on because I got burned. Along with so many other women. Yet, it was nothing compared to the scorching burn I got this week. I'm numb, shocked, devastated to realize it was all a lie. Three and a half years of twisted stories from someone I thought I knew so well. I feel sick, broken, my mind is paralyzed. For the false dreams that he led me to believe. For the man I thought I knew...... his darkest secrets and highest dreams but it turns out that I didn't know him at all.  The chocolate, velvety southern voice that soothed my soul is the same one that slandered and demeaned me behind my back.The touch that melted my heart, that will never brush my skin again because unbeknownst to me, it was touching a myriad of other women's skin. All done intentionally, maliciously, with purpose, motive and hiding behind God's word. Yet, the ultimate betrayal is to himself. Rejection is God's protection yet making sense of this tangled web of deception it will take time.




    We all are lost in some way, we all have our own demons to face, the secrets that we carry deep inside. Our most trusted friends are the ones that can navigate it with us so that we may take a harder look at ourselves in order to spiritually grow and broaden our awareness. Until Jacob takes honest accountability for his actions without justifying, blaming, slandering others and acknowledges the way he has misled, deceived, dismissed, minimized his actions and intentionally manipulated and hurt so many of us, his peace will elude him and his anxiety and exhaustion will be never ending. He claims remorse but that's also a lie because real remorse requires spitting out the truth consistently and giving the betrayed peace of mind even when it seems pointless.  Integrity and moral character are at stake, no matter how difficult it may be, he needs to tell the truth on all of it, and set himself free. Apologies are empty words without action and acknowledgement. I pray for his enlightenment and the rocky road to humility.
As for the rest of us, we all were an active and willing participant, even when we knew better, so the real lesson in this is for us. For a narcissist like him, his guilt is all but brief as he purposefully plays people against each other, feeding on the nurturing, empathetic sweet souls that he attracts by victimizing himself to them. There is no coming to conciousness without pain. Personal and spiritual growth will always create havoc, so remember that the journey is worth every tear, every smile, every heartbreak, every goal. All of us our on our own path and every single person, circumstance has the opportunity to broaden our world. For everything there is a reason and a season.

Update 2/2015: Because of his ongoing instigation and twisted deceptions I feel compelled to post this to any woman who has been adversely affected by him. All the "I'm sorry's", all the 'I love you's", all the "I've changed's", all the "I'm not doing anything new's" all the "She knows we talk, and she doesn't care's", all the "You're the only one I still have in my life's", all the ,"Please, don't abandon me, no one understands me like you do's", that I received until I ended it in the middle of December 2014 are nothing but a smoke screen. He is a narcissist and he will not change.  I sent an email to his newest conquest letting her know that he had been lying to her about having contact with me and several other women in which he constantly pursued. He wants to put it in the past, move on and not deal with the consequences of his actions yet he still initiates the drama with his vast extent of lies and is incapable of being honest to her or any of us. Does he not understand that we have all the years worth of texts, emails, screenshots, Facebook messages and can obtain a court ordered subpoena for our phone records to show the opposite is actually true? I'll call his egotistical bluff, file a suit against me, us, I look forward to it so bring it on!

Trust

Beware of a man who is constantly on his phone, takes it with him wherever he goes, in the bathroom, the shower......if he doesn't let you see it and have access to anything, if he wants to keep your relationship secret, claiming privacy....DON'T TRUST HIM!




Someday