Instincts




When I was a little girl my parents always told me to trust my instincts. And I did. They were always right, even when I didn't want them to be. When I grew up and entered the Police Academy, the forty year old detectives said to always trust my gut. And I did. And it was always right. Life has taught me never to trust my perception and thoughts alone, not what I see, not what I hear, not what I smell, not what I taste, not authority, not society and definitely not my limited and fallible perceptions. I follow my heart and a lot of the times when everything else is perfect, there is a gnawing in my tummy that says its an illusion. The times I have failed to listen to this small feeling are the only times that I regret the decisions I have made...because I knew they were the wrong ones even though it all looked like a perfectly wrapped Christmas present from the outside.

     How is it possible to trust in this day of technology, and age of distraction? An age of the grass is always greener and the internet gives us the freedom of instant connection where commitment seems to be a thing of the past.
     Sometimes, I wish I was ignorant,   life would be simple. Part of me blames him for lying when the truth is so much easier. The other part blames myself for always hoping, believing and looking for the best in someone and ignoring all the red flags and the willy feeling in the gut when things didn't make sense and then going back to him even when I instinctively knew better.

I didn't put enough sunscreen on because I got burned. Along with so many other women. Yet, it was nothing compared to the scorching burn I got this week. I'm numb, shocked, devastated to realize it was all a lie. Three and a half years of twisted stories from someone I thought I knew so well. I feel sick, broken, my mind is paralyzed. For the false dreams that he led me to believe. For the man I thought I knew...... his darkest secrets and highest dreams but it turns out that I didn't know him at all.  The chocolate, velvety southern voice that soothed my soul is the same one that slandered and demeaned me behind my back.The touch that melted my heart, that will never brush my skin again because unbeknownst to me, it was touching a myriad of other women's skin. All done intentionally, maliciously, with purpose, motive and hiding behind God's word. Yet, the ultimate betrayal is to himself. Rejection is God's protection yet making sense of this tangled web of deception it will take time.




    We all are lost in some way, we all have our own demons to face, the secrets that we carry deep inside. Our most trusted friends are the ones that can navigate it with us so that we may take a harder look at ourselves in order to spiritually grow and broaden our awareness. Until Jacob takes honest accountability for his actions without justifying, blaming, slandering others and acknowledges the way he has misled, deceived, dismissed, minimized his actions and intentionally manipulated and hurt so many of us, his peace will elude him and his anxiety and exhaustion will be never ending. He claims remorse but that's also a lie because real remorse requires spitting out the truth consistently and giving the betrayed peace of mind even when it seems pointless.  Integrity and moral character are at stake, no matter how difficult it may be, he needs to tell the truth on all of it, and set himself free. Apologies are empty words without action and acknowledgement. I pray for his enlightenment and the rocky road to humility.
As for the rest of us, we all were an active and willing participant, even when we knew better, so the real lesson in this is for us. For a narcissist like him, his guilt is all but brief as he purposefully plays people against each other, feeding on the nurturing, empathetic sweet souls that he attracts by victimizing himself to them. There is no coming to conciousness without pain. Personal and spiritual growth will always create havoc, so remember that the journey is worth every tear, every smile, every heartbreak, every goal. All of us our on our own path and every single person, circumstance has the opportunity to broaden our world. For everything there is a reason and a season.

Update 2/2015: Because of his ongoing instigation and twisted deceptions I feel compelled to post this to any woman who has been adversely affected by him. All the "I'm sorry's", all the 'I love you's", all the "I've changed's", all the "I'm not doing anything new's" all the "She knows we talk, and she doesn't care's", all the "You're the only one I still have in my life's", all the ,"Please, don't abandon me, no one understands me like you do's", that I received until I ended it in the middle of December 2014 are nothing but a smoke screen. He is a narcissist and he will not change.  I sent an email to his newest conquest letting her know that he had been lying to her about having contact with me and several other women in which he constantly pursued. He wants to put it in the past, move on and not deal with the consequences of his actions yet he still initiates the drama with his vast extent of lies and is incapable of being honest to her or any of us. Does he not understand that we have all the years worth of texts, emails, screenshots, Facebook messages and can obtain a court ordered subpoena for our phone records to show the opposite is actually true? I'll call his egotistical bluff, file a suit against me, us, I look forward to it so bring it on!

11 comments:

  1. Im praying for you sister. I know you must be completely blown away. I emailed him and he spewed more of his lies and accepted no responsibility whatsoever. Best to move on. God has a plan and will make your path straight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, whoever you are, I am blown.away. My mind cannot process the depth and webs of deception to make any sense out of it. It's so easy to come clean, tell the truth, sincerely apologize and then seek real help. Instead, when confronted, he still lies even in the face of truth.

      Delete
  2. I'm sorry youre feeling pain. you are an amazing inspiration to me... one who does so much, sees so much with very little. you are completely unguarded and give all of yourself. Simon still carries you in his heart... forever and always.

    ReplyDelete
  3. .....*sigh*.... my beautiful, genuine, authentic Simon....to think I ever compared this man to him is a tragedy in itself. Thank you for reaching out and reminding me that I've already experienced my once in a lifetime true love.....that is uncomparable to anything that will ever touch my soul again.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hope to one day become free of this tangled web. I am ensnared and clearly fooled beyond saving. My vulnerability is raw and I am lost and broken. I pray I can open my eyes to the truth u all have offered me. I need to give him up. God help me let it go.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my gosh....I am so so sorry!!! It is the most tangled web and there is no reasonable explanation or fathomable way to comprehend the level of it...the sincerity of his words, the I Love You's, all of it...... yet God is our strength and He will heal all of us involved with time.

    ReplyDelete
  6. are you gonna be ok sweetheart?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, in time...thank you....praying for all the others and for him.

      Delete
  7. how can I help??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Prayers!!! Whoever is out there praying for me, it's helping!!! Thank you!!! Now we need prayers for the others and for him....please!! Thank you again Anonymous!

      Delete
  8. I have never been.so deeply touched by peoples acknowledgement of a situation that affected me but also many, many others from the women blindly involved to their families and children. I am deeply moved.by.the level of compassion and understanding....thank you!!!

    ReplyDelete