I am unable to find words to express anything right now so below are excerpts from
Marianne Williamson's book
There is a difference between romance and love. Often the true path of love begins only when romance has begun to taper off, for love is the capacity to see light when darkness has begun to eclipse it. Love is easy when romance still lights everything in shades of pink, when the experience of a relationship is like the canvas of a sweet Impressionistic painting. Once the reality of our woundings reveals the darkness still lurking in all of us, romance might die, while true love does not.
Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we really don’t know who that person is. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we really don’t know what love is. Forgiving others is the only way to forgive ourselves, and forgiveness is our greatest need. Running away from someone else’s darkness is a way of running away from our own, in the false belief that in running we can escape. But we cannot escape. Our self-loathing will always meet us down the road, no matter how fast we run. Failure to see our judgment of others as an extension of judgment to ourselves denies healing to both people----until the next time the lesson comes around, which it will.
Relationships are our primary teacher.
They are the context in which we either grow in the consciousness of God, or deny ourselves and others the opportunity to do so. For it is only love that can make us happy. To acknowledge love is to increase its capacity to heal us, to ignore love is to let it slip away.
What is not love is fear. Anger is one of fear’s most potent faces. And it does exactly what the fearful ego wants it to do: It keeps us from receiving love at exactly the moment when we need it the most. Our greatest need is to be able to express how scared we are. Instead, of course, we are often tempted to express anger, hoping that somehow, someone will read our minds and say “I know you’re only angry because you feel so scared. Come here and I’ll love you.” There are those rare moments when the other person is evolved enough to do that; in the vast majority of cases, however, our anger will send others further and further away from us, increasing our pain and increasing our terror.
Many people are proficient at romance who are not proficient at love. They see the humanness of their partner and say, Nah, I want romance again. Then they start over elsewhere, beginning again the path that will always end up in the exact same place. The choice to follow love through to its completion is the choice to seek completion within ourselves. The point at which we shut down on others is the point at which we shut down on life. We heal as we heal others, and we heal others by extending our perceptions past their weaknesses.
Emotionally, there are no small issues. Anything has the power to hurt, if our minds our vicious enough to use it against us. A small careless word from someone can trigger a torrent of painful feelings. God heals through forgiveness and asks that we do likewise. Attack is an easier response than forgiveness, and that is why we are so tempted to give into it. In our lives, we have seen more anger than examples of true forgiveness. It doesn't mean we suppress our anger, forgiveness means that we have asked for a miracle.: the ability to see through the mistakes that someone has made to the truth that lies in all of our hearts. It means, "I am angry, dear God, But I am willing not to be. I am willing to see this situation another way." It's not always easy. At times is feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it.
And, yet there is no peace without it. Attack thought towards others are attacks on ourselves.The first step in forgiveness is the willingness to forgive. If you can state, despite your resistance, your willingness to see the spiritual innocence, the light in the soul of one who has harmed you, you have begun the journey to a deep and unshakeable peace.
Without forgiveness, love has no meaning. It has no fullness or maturity. Only when two people have shown each other the worst side of our natures are we truly ready for the task of love. Then we’re ready to begin. How unfortunate it is that so often we stop everything just as we reach the starting line.
The point of love is to make us grow, not to make us immediately happy. Many of us have forsworn the chance for the deepest love in reaching out for the easier one.
If we fail to live up to the sacred challenges of loving another person, then we will experience disastrous relationships, and the disasters will motivate us to grow. We have a choice whether or not to love, but we have no choice whether or not to grow.
Our intimate love is our partner on a holy adventure. With this person, we are given the chance to move into the center of things. In the spiritual space of intimate connection, we have the power to heal and be healed.
In order to be healed, we must reveal our wounds. And so it is that the person with whom we share the deepest love is often the one with whom we share the deepest pain. For when we hold a person deeply in our hearts, we hold their darkness as well as their light. We must accept both faces. The ability to accept our partner’s darkness and our willingness to reveal our own make us vulnerable to wounding. But these are sacred wounds; they are prelude to sacred healing. The purpose of intimacy is healing.
Honoring our connection to another person is a way of honoring God. A relationship is more of an assignment than a choice. A powerful connection between two people is a potent psychic factor that exists regardless of a person’s opinion about the relationship. We can walk away from the assignment but we cannot walk away from the lessons it presents. Sweeping challenges under the rug doesn’t get rid of problems; because the universe is hologramatic, failure to complete in one area will always be reflected elsewhere. We stay with a relationship until a lesson is learned or we simply learn it another way. If honest communication between two people isn’t extended to the point of resolution and peace, the energy will attach itself to the psyche of both people and appear again as wounding in another relationship.
This is the spiritual meaning of intimacy: growth inward, past our masks and fears and recklessness, to the sacred place where we are naked before God and each other. It’s where we are willing to move so deeply into love that the demons do not deter us from our conviction to make it through to the light. How tragic it is, that we often turn our faces from each other when the work of healing has only just begun. For it is when the darkness has started its terrible drumrolls that the wise person knows to attend and take care. The light is never far behind, if only we will be willing to stay on the path of the open heart. The key is the commitment to honesty and to the radical forgiveness necessary in order for honesty to be safe. Forgiveness and acceptance are the powers that heal us.
Intimacy challenges us to seek a higher level of participation than the limited thought forms of romantic delusion or false mortality. It seeks authentic engagement before superficial agreements. It’s an adult activity and at times a very difficult pursuit.