Ashes

2 Timothy 1:7

For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

Finally I came to the end of myself,

And coming to the end of me, 

Was the best thing that could have happened, 

Because then I looked to Him and I said,

Lord, I have nothing left to offer

But the ashes of my life

~Patsy Clairmont

Truth

"There is no weapon more powerful in achieving truth than acceptance of yourself"

~Swami Prajnanpad

He Came To Meet Me

He came to meet me

On some July morning

He said he missed me

He came without warning

We walked for half a day

Got lost in my neighborhood

Came back another way

Just like I knew we would

And he came to meet me

He had some stories

He knew a few of mine

I had not heard his voice

For such a long time

My mind would race a bit

Come back to where we stood

I could not keep hold of it

Although I knew I should

And he came to meet me

I'd seen this whole day

Like it was drawing near

Sometimes I'd pray for it

Sometimes I'd shake with fear

Sometimes the only thought

That kept me in the night
Was one that I'd forgot
In summer's blinding light

And he came to meet me

I wrote myself a song

I could not speak what I'd done

He could've been here all along

He could've been anyone

But there is no one who

Could wake my heart like this

Could break my world in two

I felt a suddenness, I felt a suddenness

The day fell completely still

The dream was a lot like this

But I never knew until

He came to meet me

My sweet Simon

Grace

There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. ~ Carl Jung

 It is only with great courage and by complete and absolute surrender in moving through it do we allow God's full grace to appear.

Instincts

When I was a little girl my parents always told me to trust my instincts. And I did. They were always right, even when I didn't want them to be. When I grew up and entered the Police Academy, the forty year old detectives said to always trust my gut. And I did. And it was always right. Life has taught me never to trust my perception and thoughts alone, not what I see, not what I hear, not what I smell, not what I taste, not authority, not society, and definitely not my limited and fallible perceptions. I follow my heart, and sometimes when everything else is perfect, there is a gnawing in my tummy that says its an illusion. The times I have failed to listen to this small feeling are the only times that I regret the decisions I have made...because I knew they were the wrong ones even though it all looked like a perfectly wrapped Christmas present from the outside.

     How is it possible to trust in this day of technology, and age of distraction? An age of the grass is always greener and the internet gives us the freedom of instant connection where commitment seems to be a thing of the past.
     Sometimes, I wish I was ignorant,   life would be simple. Part of me blames him for lying when the truth is so much easier. The other part blames myself for always hoping, believing and looking for the best in someone and ignoring all the red flags and the willy feeling in the gut when things didn't make sense and then going back to him even when I instinctively knew better.

I didn't put enough sunscreen on because I got burned. Along with so many other women. Yet, it was nothing compared to the scorching burn I got this week. I'm numb, shocked, devastated to realize it was all a lie. Three and a half years of twisted stories from someone I thought I knew so well. I feel sick, broken, my mind is paralyzed. For the false dreams that he led me to believe. For the man I thought I knew...... his darkest secrets and highest dreams but it turns out that I didn't know him at all.  The chocolate, velvety southern voice that soothed my soul is the same one that slandered and demeaned me behind my back.The touch that melted my heart, that will never brush my skin again because unbeknownst to me, it was touching a myriad of other women's skin. All done intentionally, maliciously, with purpose, motive and hiding behind God's word. Yet, the ultimate betrayal is to himself. Rejection is God's protection yet making sense of this tangled web of deception it will take time.

    We all are lost in some way, we all have our own demons to face, the secrets that we carry deep inside. Our most trusted friends are the ones that can navigate it with us so that we may take a harder look at ourselves in order to spiritually grow and broaden our awareness. Until Jacob takes honest accountability for his actions without justifying, blaming, slandering others and acknowledges the way he has misled, deceived, dismissed, minimized his actions and intentionally manipulated and hurt so many of us, his peace will elude him and his anxiety and exhaustion will be never ending. He claims remorse but that's also a lie because real remorse requires spitting out the truth consistently and giving the betrayed peace of mind even when it seems pointless.  Integrity and moral character are at stake, no matter how difficult it may be, he needs to tell the truth on all of it, and set himself free. Apologies are empty words without action and acknowledgement. I pray for his enlightenment and the rocky road to humility.
As for the rest of us, we all were an active and willing participant, even when we knew better, so the real lesson in this is for us. For a narcissist like him, his guilt is all but brief as he purposefully plays people against each other, feeding on the nurturing, empathetic sweet souls that he attracts by victimizing himself to them. There is no coming to conciousness without pain. Personal and spiritual growth will always create havoc, so remember that the journey is worth every tear, every smile, every heartbreak, every goal. All of us our on our own path and every single person, circumstance has the opportunity to broaden our world. For everything there is a reason and a season.

Update 2/2015: Because of his ongoing instigation and twisted deceptions I feel compelled to post this to any woman who has been adversely affected by him. All the "I'm sorry's", all the 'I love you's", all the "I've changed's", all the "I'm not doing anything new's" all the "She knows we talk, and she doesn't care's", all the "You're the only one I still have in my life's", all the ,"Please, don't abandon me, no one understands me like you do's", that I received until I ended it in the middle of December 2014 are nothing but a smoke screen. He is a narcissist and he will not change.  I sent an email to his newest conquest letting her know that he had been lying to her about having contact with me and several other women in which he constantly pursued. He wants to put it in the past, move on and not deal with the consequences of his actions yet he still initiates the drama with his vast extent of lies and is incapable of being honest to her or any of us. Does he not understand that we have all the years worth of texts, emails, screenshots, Facebook messages and can obtain a court ordered subpoena for our phone records to show the opposite is actually true? I'll call his egotistical bluff, file a suit against me, us, I look forward to it so bring it on!

A Father's Love Letter

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you. 
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

Dusty Roads

July 28, 2013

Dusty Roads

Ever since you were little,

I was there while you slept,

And I watched over you as the sun rose,

Above the horizon

And I made a decision a long time ago,

When my feet were heavy,

And the road was dusty,

To go to Jerusalem

My back hurt in the morning,

When I woke up from sleeping on the ground,

And my eyes were tired,

As people started coming to see me,

From all around….almost every day.

But I made a decision,

Every step of the way,

To go to Jerusalem

For the world, for those that would love me,

For those who would never, ever love me.

I went for them –

And I went for you.

Oh I know all about you….

Since you were little;

I’ve made sure that you were taken care of.

And when you were unaware,

When you worried, I was there,

Always doing more for you then you realized.

And before you were born I made a decision,

In the garden,

During the trial,

In front of Pilate,

On the way up the hill to Calvary,

Each step, every breath, every moment,

I made a decision…..

To give my life for you.

I know you’ve been troubled at times,

And lonely, afraid, and discouraged sometimes.

But if you never give your heart to me,

Or give anything to me,

I want you to know that I made my decision,

Gave my word,

Kept my promises,

And chose to risk everything for you.

When you woke up this morning,

I was there.
and I made my decision long ago,

…..I will always be there for you.

I know you don’t always agree with me.

I know sometimes I make you angry,

And confused.

But I want to be your Lord and your friend.
I bought you with my own life.

……Not so I could hurt you or desert you,

But so that someday,

When the dusty roads and the tears are all gone,

We can be together forever……

By Randy Stahla

www.DesertSnow.org

The Starfish Story

July 20, 2013

Thank you WWDD and little Daniel Barden!!

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. 

When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. 

People watched her with amusement.

She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, 

"Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can't save all these starfish. 

You can't begin to make a difference!"

The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. 

But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean.

 Then she looked up at the man and replied, 

"Well, I made a difference to that one!!"

The old man looked at the girl inquisitively and thought about what she had done. Inspired, he joined the little girl in throwing starfish back into the sea. Soon others joined, and all the starfish were saved. 

~adapted from the Star Thrower by Loren C. Eiseley~

"Perseverance through great odds and against the criticism of others is the very hallmark of value-based idealism, as is refusing to accept failure. The understanding that we hold in our hands the power to change a life, a mind, or a circumstance today~right now~ is a powerful insight and motivator. At the same time, idealistic acts, even highly symbolic ones, have the power to inspire others to act, and sometimes in numbers significant enough to make a major or even complete impact on the problem at hand. 

Perhaps most inspiring of all is to witness the idealistic power of children and young people in action. The idealism of youth is a powerful force for leading to change in the world. Often it is our youth who put into action values that we have instilled in them but have failed to act on ourselves. Therefore, the world depends on the idealism of youth to lead the way."

Everyone Matters

Love

New Years Eve 2012

It's been a while since I've written. Life kind of got put on hold the last few years as the real estate crash of 2007-2008 extended its tidal wave into every tentacle of our lives with its stolen dreams.  Yet nothing in life stays as t is and slowly, the dark veil and clouds of winter lifted and all the colors and wonder of spring began to burst. 
On top of that, I met a  man, who beyond his years, is the type of man I have been wanting to meet forever and even amidst obstacles, somehow, we met. It has been years since I let the fortress guard down and began to trust, to feel, to believe, to dream again, seeing the beauty in every moment, hanging on a thread to hear his voice, to say goodnight, to fantasize about being together until the last breath. He colors my world,  inspires, empowers, motivates, accepts me in every way.
Forever the optimist, I find myself slipping from grace. The measurement I have of a man hails from my father, the epitome of a true Southern Gentleman. The integrity of men that I expect in ar relatonshiop is from his modeling has and is rare, the honesty of one's word has little meaning anymore, the influx of technology has poisoned the very foundation of chivalry, letting people look for the greener side of the grass even when they are on the most lushest of lawns. 
Nothing is sacred anymore. Not a handshake. Not a kiss. Not someone's words amongst texts and other superficial means of communication. I feel sorry for the upcoming generation for their reliance on an illusion, so be it that they will ever know a solid foundation and what it's built on. I heard once that the letter 'w' stood for the number 6 and that the "www" as in the world wide web was equivalent to "666". How many lives has it touched, lifted, informed and ultimately destroyed? Evil in it's most cunning disguise?
We've been dating exclusively for years, today I found his profile on Plenty of Fish after a wrenching gut feeling to look up after he had added a dozen new, single women my age to his Facebook profile. I am crushed, disenchanted, disappointed and broken all rolled up into one. Its inconsolable grief.  The raw, vulnerable emotion that leaves a hole in your stomach, the sharp stabbing that cuts the heart like butter, the imagination spinning relentlessly, the random and endless river of tears knowing that this is the reality. 
When confronted, he cried, he seems authentic in his guilt so I will forgive and try to move on. 
Through the last decade, humility, perseverance, faith, and hope have been my teachers. On one level, I'm devastated as I feel I have spent my life waiting, doing what is right, investing in "men " to offer me the same respect that I show, to lay down at night and know that the person beside me will never betray me because the love is unpenetratable even when there is opportunity knocking at the door,  I want an everlasting love the same type as my parents had and so many of my friends have found even when it's not all peaches and cream. The conflict is part of the growth and appreciation of the other's attributes, idiosyncrasies, imperfections and acceptance is the part that keeps it growing.
My dad passed away 20 years ago and I only have two items left that were his, one is a book that he gave me called Nearer to Thee with little poems he loved of inspiration through adversity. The other item he put in my car around the radio knob, it says "This world is NOT my home. I'm just passing thru.

GOLF

Parker, CO

August 2007

The rumor for the last 400 years was that Golf stood for Gentleman Only Ladies Forbidden.! It's a backronym. They say that the Scottish actually originated it back in the 15th century even though the Dutch and the Chinese date the game way before us Celts.

As most of you know, my life changed.......DRAMATICALLY, with the Wall Street banking fall out at the beginning of the year, and although its been life altering, its also been a lesson in humility, resourcefulness, and networking.  Agter trying to be a resourceful girl by selling cars for my old boss, John Elway, the hours were too long for the little ones waiting at home.  However, if you want to know anything about Bilstein suspension systems, VVTI engines, the aerodynamic engineering of the Prius, or how a Hybrid engine works, just ask!;) So here I am, back in the game of golf and though my income has dropped substantially and I am working weekends and nights, I'm back to being passionate about being back in the game surrounded by the familiarity!

Our golf course is a members only club just south of Parker, Colorado on the way out to Castlewood Canyon. It's an old club and the echo of hammering denotes the promise of the up and coming BrightStar Golf Company to acquire, improve and expand golf courses nationwide that have so long been neglected. It's not only the members that inspired me to gravitate back to this industry.......it's the tournaments and the people it breeds.

From Port Ludlow to Coeur d'Alen to Aspen to Denver, I have had the opportunity to witness and be a part of benefit tournaments inspired by a core commitment to a cause. From promotable, larger than life games like The NBA, The NBL, the Annual Broncos Alumni, to the sincere life transforming smaller ones like Toys for Tots out at Heritage Eagle Bend where Ken Cox raises more money and supplies more bicycles than the whole state of Colorado at Christmas time. The Marines line up with gratitude as they load their three covered caravan trucks to surprise children that have hope, that there really is a Santa Claus. Two weeks ago we hosted a tournament for a newly graduated senior from Ponderosa High School, who was killed in a car accident on the way to visit relatives in Illinois only four weeks after graduation. It was the fourth year for this tournament,  as he grew up at The Pinery and golf was his passion. Still, most of  his friends showed up, his family, his uncles, aunts, grandparents and an influx of people who had never met him. They only heard through the grapevine what a tremendous spirit this boy possessed. The proceeds from his tournament go to fund a tour bus that transports the kids from Ponderosa High School to events, whether it be Wrestling, Band, or Football games. There is heart and reason behind it.

This morning, I arrived at the club with my two little boys in tow (no babysitter at 6:30am) to help Randy and Katie set up for a tournament. It wasn't until after the golfers came in from their 18 that we all began to fathom the intense meaning behind it. Here's how the story goes......

One of our members had some kids, 3 boys and a girl. One of the boys was born with Down's Syndrome. He lived with his parents through his adulthood and maintained a steady job at the local McDonald's here in Parker. He passed away in the year 2000. Through his death, his family was inspired to raise money in team with the Special Olympics and Departmental Partners in order to fund camping trips, rafting trips, gym memberships, bowling leagues for people with disabilities. They implemented a store where all proceeds go for funding which is located in Aurora and recently opened one in Littleton. People flew in from Chicago, called in sick to work, closed their businesses today in order to pick up their clubs and play for this memorable man. Mom and Dad, sister and brothers passionately set up the largest tournament in seven years. However, it was like any other tournament until the MC called a group of this man's friends up to the podium.

This was a different crowd to begin with. There were no celebrities. The MC, since 2000, brought up the friends and within the next hour I saw freedom......pure, unbridled, passionate, fun, happy freedom. I longed to be like them. They sang, they danced, they laughed with everything beautiful they carry inside with no measure of how brutal reality can be. They live for the moment, for who they are, for how they feel.

In the dusk of the Colorado heat, I walked away with a renewed perception that life is WAY too short to skip away a minute of bliss, a second of hope, an hour of joy. That in death, there is a transformation of spirit into power. That in life, there is happiness in simplicity. Simplicity of a joke, a song, a dance, a cashier at the local hamburger hangout.

Turtles

July 7, 2007

Current mood:amused

Utah

I love to drive over the little road turtles that parallel the highway, they feel like a mini five second massage, however, it's tricky to stay on them for long because the guy driving behind me might call my license plate into State Patrol as impaired, so I have to hit them strategically, like on curves. I'm sure the Department of Transportation has a more technical word for my little wake up bumps. Sailing through the night along Utah's moonlit highway to Price, I'm thinking that it's a very good thing that prairie dogs are NOT on the endangered list although from the looks of the mottled pavement, they should be. Prairie dogs and bugs. My Taurus, whose name is Leo, looks like a bug mobile. Big ones, little ones, yellow ones, big fat green ones, eight wing ones, thank goodness they are the same color as Leo so you really can't tell unless your within two feet.  I tried to scrub them off earlier at the Glenwood Springs gas station but I was attacked by moths that were sticking to the wet windows after I started scrubbing so I gave it up and slid back in behind the wheel quickly, hoping none of them had attached themselves to me for the free ride. That wouldn't be good, as I'm a freak about moths and bees.

The Colombia River at a picnic site above The Dalles

 I'm on the routine six month child exchange program with my little boys father who lives on an island on the tip of the Olympic Peninsula in Washington state. He's a big stocky man that is scared senseless of flying, inadvertently leading me to be the dominant transportation chauffer twice a year. Sometimes we fly, sometimes we drive.  I drive because it frees my mind. And even though it's a 1352 mile trip according to Rand McNally(Rand is wrong, it's really 1530 unless I just haven't figured out which route they take yet out of the three available), watching the shadowed mountain silhouettes and the Harold and the Purple Crayon moon follow me into the night, is hypnotic.

I found a new way this last spring when I went up for Roman's 7^th birthday, I like it because I have to go through Bliss. Bliss, Idaho. Bliss spins my imagination into fantasies and spirals my heart deep into my soul. Just the word gives me ceaseless butterflies that tingle my toes. I'd like to live in Bliss. In more ways than the physical. This route engages the Lewis and Clark trail and is littered with history from it's discovery to the underground Chinese WWII slave camps in Pendleton, Oregon to the haunted City of Bridges~Portland. So much spirit drenched in this soil that lies beneath these highways and as I watch people drive by in their cars, I wonder if they feel what once was. If their minds eye can reminisce back to a time when this breathtaking land was raw.   







Aspen

Mar 19, 2007

Aspen

Current mood:chipper

The ambience of Aspen is breathtaking!! This weekend was crazy beautiful!! I saw some old friends, made some new ones, listened to some stories and experienced the renowned Ajax Après on the sun drenched patio at the base of the Aspen gondola until the sun set behind the mountain. I finally headed out on the highway way past my bedtime, calling every friend in my cell phone that could help keep my eyes from needing toothpicks. No one was awake but me. I finally succumbed to my drifting thoughts close to 4am by pulling into Eagle, looping around the back of the Conoco station to a dirt parking lot below the freeway where I nestled the car between half a dozen sleeping semi's, lowered the leather seat back, tucked my pillow under my head and snuggled deeply into my thick, furry blanket and let the dark overtake me. But, only for a few hours. I pulled into my garage just before 8 and made my 10:00 realtors meeting in East Denver. Funny what a weekend away can do for your mentality. I feel like I could conquer the world this week!! And win!!