Dating 101

Mar 10, 2007
Current mood:indescribable

Dating 101



Always kissing the trolls, maybe I should switch to frogs!!

The things you should have learned in high school, and if you didn't learn them there, than you should have learned them in college. Somehow, I must have by-passed the learning curve.  I have never really dated. My brother beat up any potential pursuer that had a remote interest in me. We are adopted and only ten months apart. He was my favorite gift that my parents gave me. J  We look nothing alike, so even though we shared the same last name, some never put it together that we were brother and sister. My father was everyone's favorite teacher, which meant between the both of them I was referred to as either Powers sister or Powers daughter. I'm wondering now if any of them really even new my name. I was also the only snow blonde whitey in our whole family, how they chose me, God only knows. My whole family is dark hair, dark skin, tans in three minutes and I'm the one, laying on the crystal sand of Waikiki Beach with Noxzema and Coppertone sunscreen slathered all over me, in utter, torrential pain for a week. It sucks sometimes to be Irish. Especially tonight.
I am fervent about beliefs. What it takes to get me to the point of no return is uncomprehendable. I have strong fortitude and there are very few situations that will induce such strong feelings in me that will perpetuate an uncalculated response. Tonight was one of them.
I don't have set rules about dating, however, my tendency is to date men that are younger than I am only because men my age usually are buried emotionally, transformed and bitter towards ex's and consumed with their material wealth. I don't do the pity party thing very well. My  capacity for compassion and empathy leaves absolutely no tolerance for blame and excuses. I love beautiful things, but don't let them own me.  I'm finding my prospects are limited. On top of all that, I strongly believe in soul connection. And I'm the first to confess that despite that undeniable realization, I will date a man, even if I don't feel "it", only because of the deep yearning I have for intimacy.
Man, I should know better by now. I am defiantly "The Fool" as my Tarot card reading says, and am not embarrassed by it. I love it!! I'm a  fool for love, I live by my heart, as the fool, live by my passions, as the fool, live by my trust in people, as a fool…I will never change in that respect, because I don't want to.  
I met this effervescent, good-looking man a while ago.  He is eight days older than I am, successful, full of life; he lights up a room, and is everyone's friend. He is magnetic and he cooks.
He said he fell head over heels in love with me, planning the house we would live in, the cabin we would have and the places we would travel to.  A girl would be crazy not to give this a shot. Yes, I could have everything with him……but……. my own opinion.
Within the last week our conversations have turned volatile and I purposely questioned his belief systems and his inner drive as he did mine. I wanted to really know who he was without all the icing on top.  He answered passionately, which I accepted but not as my own. Here is a man who constantly says he loves me. Yet, tonight, after meeting up with a group of about a dozen friends, an unintended conversation arose out of nowhere. An emotional topic came up that crosses social and moral boundaries, it was heated and everyone had a different view on it. I sat there and listened and said something to the fact that it sounded reasonable and I could understand it, even though it wasn't "acceptable". That was the end of my new relationship. He told me that if I could even comprehend justification in what was said, that it was over between us, and he wanted nothing to do with me.  That was on top of his earlier statements that my arms were fat, a few other condescending comments and that I'm attractive but not attractive enough to have a "stalker" (referring to Marvin). A drunken man's words are a sober man's truth.
I stood up. And I walked out the door.
Language is the most profound way to consume the soul. Words are power. Poetry. Able to reach to the depths that we so ignorantly hide. So much of our Americanized lifestyle has diminished the beauty, the magic and influence of language. Most people don't think about what they say. It's a tragedy. Each word has energy, a vibration that can leave you breathless or leave you burned.
My idea of "a great life" was swept away in a few sentences. Those words cannot be taken back. They are etched in time.  He promised a life that women dream of and knew that he could deliver. Yet, there was something missing. My heart. 
I have debated these feelings since meeting him and the many men before him.  In one-way, I yearn for the dream. In another way, I'd betray my own truth if I wasn't with the right man. I feel like the "Runaway Bride". It's sell the soul stuff. I almost bought into it, again, but I'd rather live in a full cabin, then in an empty castle.  There was a reason that I didn't go to the gym tonight. It was to unveil a contradiction that I need to face.
I feel lonely sometimes, wondering if Heavenly Father really is putting things in place as I watch other couples so seemingly happy. My doubts only last for a milli-second. I know He is. I have faith. I will not settle. I will not sell my soul. Even if it means a life of harmony alone.  I have a dream. I know that dream will come true. If not in this lifetime, the next. I know that love will be, and can be, everything I hold close to my core like  lovers do, waiting to give it to the man that appreciates it. A man that encompasses my soul without condemnation. A man that inherently accepts my position without denouncing his. A man that knows his heart, my heart and lives it regardless of the challenges he may, that I may, have to overcome. A man that likes the smell of Noxzema, pink sun-kissed skin with freckles and that hot blood that generations of Celtic's have won wars on.  A very rare man…however, I'm a rare girl! J
I lay here, comforted in my surroundings, disregarding the incessant phone calls and messages of apologies. I need simplicity of spirit and complicated souls. I need to go skiing. I need to go to Snowmass. I need to sit next to the river. I need to see the stars. I need to hear the crunch of the snow that sounds like squeaky styrofoam underneath my feet. I need the love of my children. I need to feel something more powerful than this.
As I sit here on my bed on a Friday night, listening to Alice 105.9, it's impossible to hold back the disappointment.
Chasing Cars, Lips of An Angel, Far Away, Collide, Into The Ocean, all back to back, does it mean anything? Am I looking for meaning in something that doesn't exist? I don't think so, but, again, I'm a dreamy, analytical fool. J
Inevitably, my mind drifts to Simon. Drowns in him. How even only in thought, his gentle, non-judgmental spirit soothes the deepest parts of me. I see him, I feel him. I wish he were here, by my side, inhaling his sweetness. I wish that someday I'd watch him approach me in the subtle and powerful way that he did. I wish I could lay my head on his heart, fall asleep to the beat of where I should be, enveloped in soothing reassurance and adoration of all that truly is beautiful without explanation. .....I wonder if my heart could ever really be with another man because it smolders eternally with this man. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq8tzfCxShM

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